


blood on your hands

by nonbinaryezrabridger



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Don’t copy to other sides, Established Relationship, Healing from trauma, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25353718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinaryezrabridger/pseuds/nonbinaryezrabridger
Summary: Cassian Andor has issues he's been successfully hiding from his lover, Bodhi, until one day he can't hide them anymore.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Bodhi Rook
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	blood on your hands

**Author's Note:**

> just rewatched rogue one and cried lol!
> 
> tw for this story: vague mentions of death

\----------

Bodhi wakes slowly, not jerked awake, but dragged out of sleep bit by bit. He feels the shaking of the bed before he really processes what it is. He’s half ignoring it by the time he’s fully awake, until it suddenly strikes him that the bed should not be shaking. He sits up suddenly, fear and concern clenching in his chest. He turns to look at Cassian, glad to see he’s in his space next to Bodhi like he should be. He is less glad to see what a state he’s in. He’s shaking so hard he’s causing the bed to shake too, and his eyes are glistening with tears. He’s clenching his hands into fist so hard that Bodhi can see the fingernails digging into the flesh of his palms, leaving silver crescents imprinted.

For a moment, Bodhi just stares. But then Cassian lets out a quiet sob and Bodhi is jarred into action. 

He keeps his voice low and calm as he says:

“Cassian.”

Cassian buries his head in the pillow, hiding his face, and mutters, muffled by the fabric:

“I didn’t want to wake you.”

Bodhi feels taken aback, that even when so distressed Cassian is thinking about Bodhi’s well being. In a way, it hurts, that Cassian doesn’t care enough about himself to ask for help. Bodhi stutters out:

“Cassian, I want to help.”

Cassian groans.

They sit in silence for a moment before Bodhi tries again:

“Cassian, please.”

Cassian shakes his head, still hiding his face.

Bodhi breathes out shakily, trying to stay collected and calm.

“Cassian, why won’t you let me help you? There’s nothing wrong with needing support.”

Cassian sobs again, a wounded noise, before he whispers:

“Because I don’t deserve it.”

Bodhi stares at him in horror. All this time, he’s been going to therapy alone while Cassian thinks things like that? He is scheduling an appointment with the base therapist for Cassian as soon as it's light out. It’ll just be a matter of convincing him to go, which will be no easy feat.

But in the meantime, Cassian had been honest with Bodhi about something very personal that he obviously hadn’t wanted to share. Bodhi needs to react well, and not worsen an already fragile situation. Bodhi takes another deep breath and asks:

“Cassian, may I touch you?”

Cassian nods slowly into the pillow. Bodhi reaches out and takes Cassian’s hand. There’s a sharp intake of breath as he does and Cassian goes tense. Bodhi is ready to let go if asked, but Cassian stays silent. Quietly, Bodhi asks:

“Why don’t you think you deserve it.”

Cassian sobs raggedly before gasping out:

“Bodhi, the things I’ve done, the blood on my hands...”

Bodhi sighs, he understands. 

“Cassian, I was an imperial. I was party to horrors. Yet I still deserve love and support.”

Cassian scoffs.

“Bodhi, you flew cargo ships.”

Bodhi bites back:

“Which helped build a weapon which murdered every single person in Jedha city. I am responsible, Cassian. I carry that weight, but I do not let it stop me from living my life.”

Cassain sighs, air wheezing out of his lungs, and begins to relax.

“I don’t know how to stop letting it weigh me down.”

Bodhi smiles, like sunshine after a rainstorm, and says:

“That’s alright, Cassian. We’ll work on it together.”

Cassian finally pulls his head out of the pillow, turning to look at Bodhi. Bodhi grins and pulls the hand he’s holding to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the palm. Then he breaks the calm and says:

“I am getting you to see a therapist though.”

Cassian groans.

“Do I have to?”

Bodhi acts affronted. 

“Cassian, are you implying I should be solely responsible for your emotional wellbeing? That’s not very healthy of you.”

Cassian laughs.

“You got me there.”

Bodhi laughs too, and cuddles into his lover's arms, before leaning up to press a kiss to his tear stained cheek.

“Shall we sleep?”

Cassian sighs happily.

“I think we should.”

They drift off, warm and happy in the dim early morning light.

\---------


End file.
